The stages of mourning are universal and are experienced
by people from all walks of life. Mourning occurs in response to an individual's own terminal illness or to the death
of a valued person or animal. There are five stages of normal grief.
In our bereavement, we spend different lengths of time working through each step and express
each stage more or less intensely. The five stages do not necessarily occur in order. We often move between stages
before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time required to achieve
this final stage of grief. The death of your pet might inspire you to evaluate your own feelings of mortality.
Throughout each stage, a common thread of hope emerges. As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there
is hope, there is life.
Stage 1 Denial
and Isolation: The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a pet is to
deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a
defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a
temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.
2 Anger: As the masking effects of denial
and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected
from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete
strangers, friends, or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased pet. Rationally, we know the
animal is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent it for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel
guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.
The veterinarian who diagnosed the
illness and was unable to cure the disease, or who performed euthanasia of a pet, might become a convenient target.
Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients
or to those who grieve for them.
Do not hesitate to ask your veterinarian to give you extra
time or to explain just once more the details of your pet's illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that
he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment.
Discuss the cost of treatment. Discuss burial arrangements. Understand the options available to you. Take
your time. Both you and your veterinarian will find that honest and open communication now are an invaluable long-term
Stage 3 Bargaining: The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability
is often a need to regain control. If only we had sought medical attention sooner. If we got a second opinion
from another doctor. If we changed our pet's diet, maybe it will get well. Secretly, we may make a deal with
God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from
the painful reality.
Stage 4 Depression: Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The
first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate. We worry
about the cost of treatment and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend
on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation
and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is
our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our pet farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.
Stage 5 Acceptance:
Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never
see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves
the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness
and must be distinguished from depression.
Pets that are terminally ill or aging appear
to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own mortality,
only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural
to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying pets may well be their
last gift to us.